Let me be the first to say, i suck at football. There i said it. Both the videogames and the real thing. I'm just not athletic enough for the real thing, and for some reason i can't seem to get my head around the electronic one.

Having said that though, i AM substantially better at the electronic footie games. Simply handicap the computer, and BAM! Instant superstar. It seems like EA will never end their yearly installment of sports games, seeing as Fifa 09's out now. I got the demo earlier in the week, loved it. I found it significantly better than Fifa 08, and coming from me, that's saying something. Note that i don't necessarily mean easier, i just found it a better experience than the last edition. Fifa for life, yo.

So Slash said to me, you gotten the PES demo yet? and i thought, meh, let's give it a try, couldn't hurt, love the free stuff, etc etc. As an aside, if Apple offered me a free Macbook, just to try it out, i wouldn't say no either. Microsoft for life is one thing, but free stuff is another story entirely. So i queue up the download, turn off my xbox so it can download in the background (and hence not be paused because i decided to play grifball on halo).

Fast forward to several hours later, i turn on the console to play, and it's freezing. I'm thinking, aww hell naw. My bad boy's less than a year old and while it still shows signs of microsofty craziness (which they really should patent) like randomly freeing in the middle of gameplay, it's never frozen on start up before. Naturally, i employ the one universal solution to problems like this: I turn it off, and then back on again. No joy, repeat: No joy. I'm getting worried now, because i'm afraid of the ring of doom showing up. But i can't do anything with a catatonic console, so i turn it off again and search the intarwebs. Google points me to microsoft (well duh), who then tell me to either wait for it to cool down, or clear the cache, or both. Neither works. Then i notice it's only freezing after i sign into xbl, so i disconnect the wireless bridge and hey presto, it's working now. Then i first turn off background downloads so it won't try any funny business when i turn it off, then i check my downloads to see what's up.

The PES demo hasn't been downloaded. After several hours. Hours, because i had 4 other items in the queue and they should all have been done by now. So then i cancel the demo, then clear the cache, then plug in the wireless bridge, and the next item starts downloading as soon as i'm signed into xbl. I'm relieved but i don't dare turn off my console in case it doesn't start up again. Yeah, i'm paranoid like that. I spend the whole time playing Mass Effect, and as soon as the downloads are done i quit the game, turn on backgroud downloads, and switch off.

Do you see now? I'll take dodgy looking players over console destroying demos any day. And yeah sure it might not have been the PES demo, it might have been my connection, etc etc. Seeing as xbl and the marketplace have never given me any trouble with downloads, and the only problem my connection gives me is lag, i think i'm justified in blaming it all on the demo.

I'm not touching that demo, let alone the game, with a 10ft pole and neither should you. FIFAAAAAAAAA for life, yo

Top 5 Fictional console footballers

Its that time of year again, the time for gamers and football fans to choose their side and get the latest edition of their favourite football simulation

franchise. For me, I've been in the Konami camp since 1994 and my cherished snes copy of International Superstar Soccer, el gato however is firmly allied

with EA's much polished FIFA series.

The arguments will go on for years and I'm not going to get into it, but the one thing the games both have had in common in their histories is the inclusion

of fictional players, some based on real life counterparts, others completely original. There have been some great ones, and some awful ones and everyone

has their favourites, here are mine.

5. Galfano (Italy, ISS Deluxe, snes)

Tall, strong, marauding midfielder with an unbelievable shot. ISS Deluxe was a simple looking game, but with the greatest gameplay of any football game to

date. At the heart of this was the subtle differences in the styles of individual players. Konami keeps this as a feature of its games even to this day.

Italy, sported an elegant, technical midfielder named Galfano who, when timed right, could smash in the games very best goals from ridiculous distances.

This skill came in very handy during the games excellent scenarios feature, when a last ditch "Stevie Gerrard esq" screamer was required to win a game.

4. Brian Plank (Germany, FIFA international soccer, snes)

This was the first football game with an isometric view revolutionised the genre. The opening titles of the game (after the now legendary "EA Sports, its in

the game") give credits for the development team. Listed as a programmer on the game is one Brian Plank, but not only was he on the staff at EA he was also,

in game, Germany's flying winger with an eye for goal. Even in the first iteration of the FIFA series it had the all too familiar "methods" for easy goals,

one of which was cutting in from the wing at tight angles, slowing down and shooting. Plank was, for me, the master of this technique and produced many of

the 30 goals I managed to score against Nigeria in a 45 minutes per half game I decided to play one day whilst off school on the sick (got bored after 15 minutes and quit).

3. Perles (Classic Brazil, Pro Evolution Soccer, PS2)

To be fair, there are alot of "classic" players in this game that could have made the list and in the end your Master league team probably had 5 or 6 that

you love. But for obvious reasons this guy has to be the one. Based on the impotency campaigner of legendary proportions, Perles was the ultimate player

to have in your midfield/attack, pace, skill and a wicked shot, all of the attributes taken from his real life counterpart. Personally I feel the series has

really lost alot when it comes to the classic players since the early games.

2. Valeny (Master league squad, Pro Evolution Soccer 2, PS2)

When starting your first Master league season on this classic sequel, life was tough. You had a squad of no-hopers and the only was for a n00b to survive

was to play 5 at the back, one up front and desperately hang on until the negotiation weeks to try and get a player who could hit a barn door from 3 yards.

Essential to this survival was the ever dependable, versatile defender, Valeny. A no-nonsense player in the mould of Jamie Carragher, this guy saved the day

on to many occasions to count and kept his place in the side well into subsequent seasons even when new players were brought in. An understated role in the

team but too crucial not to make this list.

1. Koppers (Holland, most nintendo based ISS games)

This guy is here not only for vital goals, technical ability, great headers and volleys, but also because he ahs followed us through the series fors years

(even at one point changing race!). Similar to Galfano in the fact that he was instrumental in beating the scenarios mode, but he was the hero on so many

occasions it was uncanny. In the Pro Evo Series he would have been Oranges069, he was the superstar in the dutch side and carried them in the game. To be

honest it is more of a sentimental thing having him here as he represents the ISS series that excludes Pro EVo. Both FIFA and PES make minor improvements

every year but the improvements get smaller and more subtle every year. A truly Next-Gen version of the Nintendo based ISS games would be great fun, maybe a

step away from, the simulation based games, but great fun none the less. It's Koppers for me, for the memories.